Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
