I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
