When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
