I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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