Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
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