the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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