Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
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And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
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Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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