he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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