just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
