Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
