eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
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