his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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