I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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