i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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