tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
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Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
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Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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