you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
