Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
