Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
So apparently I’m into choking now
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