She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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