just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
