Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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