If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
