I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
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hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
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He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
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