My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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