I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
