my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
