am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
