This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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