im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
