When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
