you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You dont lie about slip and slides
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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