well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Randomize
