the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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