i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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