Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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