There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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