If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
