shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
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That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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