My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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