I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
false alarm, still single
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
