Your favorite bartender is back from prision
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
