I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Ketchup is God's man juice
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
