thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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