Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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