Just fell off a train. Bad.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
