I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
