Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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