final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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