All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
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My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
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Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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