Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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