New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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