theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
