Do you still have your period?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
