How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
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